I came to Thailand with an open mind and a heart full of blank pages; ready to learn but not being able to fathom exactly what it would be that I would be learning. Now, five weeks later, as the pages of my journal are filling, the pages of my heart are etched with lessons, stories, convictions, experiences, and words from the Lord that will go with me throughout the rest of my life. Yet, somehow I sit with a blank page in front of me, struggling to produce words that fully express what is happening in and around me.
I could rattle off a few stories of teaching English at a vocational college, ministering to children, prayer walking around the city, learning Thai, or building relationships because that’s what I know people want to hear; but that wouldn’t accurately portray all the things that have been stirring in my heart in this beautiful nation. Here in this “pressure cooker” I feel as though I have already learned lessons that would typically take months or years to grasp, but most of all I have been pursued by the fierce and faithful love of my Father. I find it extremely ironic that God took me from the “Bible Belt” to a nation that is so consumed with Buddhism and idol worship in order to show me more about myself and more about Him.
The irony continues in this simple phrase that I would use to describe the state that the Lord has brought me to, now halfway through this internship: Holy Discontentment. There is a fire burning inside of me to live each day more like Jesus, more on fire, more healed, more intentional then the day before; yet still I am filled with such a deep love for God and revelation of who He has made me to be that I would never want to leave this position. This is desire at its finest. Holy Discontentment.
I love when the Lord uses me to minister to others; but it is even more beautiful when He ministers to me in a way that changes me. I love having great stories of the way He is shaking the lives of the people around me, healing the sick, and redeeming lives; but even more powerful than an intense story is a transformed life and I believe that I can say that I am more like Jesus now than I was 5 weeks ago.
To those of you who tend to pour yourselves out for others, I ask you the same questions I have had to ask myself: have you taken the time to look inside your own life and evaluate your heart? Have you intentionally put yourself in any positions lately in order to be stretched to grow more like Christ? Have you allowed Him to do work in you, heal your hurts, and break your fears? Will you chose to live in a state of Holy Discontentment or a nauseating complacency?